the "ah ha" moment

bruce-nauman-ah-ha
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Everyone has an ah ha moment at some point or another in life. We probably have quite a few. I know I do. Life lately has been treating us pretty well but I haven't been having a very easy time. Which as any of the people who read this blog can tell translated into me falling off the face of the virtual earth for more than a minute. I'm almost extinct on twitter and have small, heavy-handed spirts on Instagram. Lately, it feels like life is pummeling me with lemons and well, I haven't been making lemonade. I've been making sour faces.

I've been dealing with a lot of really heavy emotions lately. Shame, fear, anxiety, depression, hurt, anger, and the hardest of all, imperfection. I'm not perfect, I know that. I can (and have said repeatedly) that "I'm not perfect and I don't need to be" but I always want to be. I've been trying to be perfect for as long as I can remember. The hard part is that I've been trying to be perfect for everyone except myself. The perfect wife, the perfect daughter-in-law, the perfect employee, the perfect baker, the perfect blogger, the perfect photographer, the perfect "insert anything". But I'm not any of those. I never have all the laundry done or put away. I let Abe's pee sit on the floor a little longer than I should before I clean it up. I can't get out of bed for work lately so I feel (and look) less than stellar regularly. I don't bake EVERY. SINGLE. WEEKEND. I don't decorate with fondant. I don't always make my own batter. (eeekkk!) I can't blog on a schedule to save my life. I've lost the drive to blog at all lately. I don't want to blog because I don't want certain people to read what I want to write about. I don't take pictures because if they aren't perfect, what's the point. Basically, if I can't be perfect at it, I won't do it at all. Isn't that just a silly way to live? I think so, but it's how I live. I'm stranded on an island of lemons that I keep making sour faces at hoping somehow I will magically get off the island.

Guess what... no magic here. No pixie dust in my pocket. No fairy godmother to take me away. Just me, my sour face, and knowing I need to change.

I need to change for me. I need to impress myself. I need to accept that not everyone will like me all the time. Letting how they feel about me and treat me rule how I view myself is no way to live. If they have a problem with me, that's their problem because I'm fucking awesome. I have a husband who loves me and chose to take me on this amazing life adventure. I have friends, near and far, who support me. I have the most amazing father on the planet who raised me to be a smart, independent and loving human being who doesn't put up with people's shit.

It's time I take back my energy. It's time I start focusing on me and the things I love. The rest is just bullshit and it can go make sour faces at lemons alone. I'm not going to be a willing participant in my own unhappiness.

My ah ha! moment has happened. My happiness project is beginning. I'm not going through this alone but I am going through it for me, and me alone. I hope that through this I can share with you what happens. I am so excited to start making small changes to my habits that are better for me mentally and for my health. Like no tv at bedtime. I am armed with 4 new books that will help me on my journey. I am incredibly inspired by the writer(s) of these books and I hope that their words will help me on this adventure and bring me the guard rails I need when I feel like I'm going to fall...

So here's to falling! Because if you aren't gonna walk on the edge, you won't ever see the view.

xoxohannah